No, Really, My Dreams Are Hilarious: Inside The Athertonian’s Sleeping Mind

My Dreams: Greatest Hits

1)  Cock Robin

There is a flickering screen.

The words:

Cock Robin

appear.  Cut to an office cubicle.  A man, in full superhero get-up, is standing there, looking immensely pleased.  This is, clearly, Cock Robin.  Just as clearly, he is under the unshakeable delusion that his new cubicle job is a superhero-style job.

Cock Robin (with idiotic fervor):  I’m gonna Cock It Up!

A Voice:  You’re gonna cock it up?

Cock Robin (with same frenzied enthusiasm):  I’m gonna Set It Up!

Voice:  You’re gonna set it up?

Cock Robin nods, glad that The Voice understands.

Cock Robin:  I’m gonna Set Right Here!  (He points dramatically to his office chair)

Note:  Cock Robin, in this last bit, sounds more like he is saying “I’m gonna Set Rat Cheer,” but his meaning is clearly understood by me.

At this point, I actually woke up laughing.


2)  The Joker’s Dossier

My sister had been kidnapped by The Joker.  I was outside of my parents’ home, having a smoke, thinking about this problem.

It was night, and very dark.

A voice spoke from somewhere quite near me.  I knew that I was talking to The Joker.  He said that my sister would be safe as long as I kept “The Dossier” safe for him.  A package was pushed into my hand.  I went inside with it, feeling the package squirming in my hand.

When I got the package into the house, I saw that, crudely tied to the outside of the brown-paper-wrapped parcel, was a dinner-plate sized spider and a “vampire bat with a poisoned beak.”  Apparently, that is a creature that just exists in this particular dream world.

The creatures got loose almost immediately.  I killed the bat with a book, but the dinner-plate-sized spider was still loose.  I was terrified.

I called the Gotham P.D.  It was 2 A.M., so I sort of assumed (for some reason) that I’d get the losers of the department.

Cut to me leading the responding officers upstairs.

The first one was clearly under the impression that he was a pilot.  As he ascended the stairs, he made comments about the clarity of the air we were now entering.

The second one, his hands cupped around his mouth, was chanting strings of numbers and making static noises.  Ex:  “…3 2 7 5 9 3…..skkkkkrk….” There was no mechanical device in his hand.  I remember being quite sure about that.

The third one was a shrunken version of Commissioner Gordon.  He was exactly Gordon, mustache and all, except that he was the size of an 8-year-old boy.

There was Batman.

There was the fourth officer, who refused to go up the stairs with Batman behind him.

And, unfortunately, that is all I remember.